A lazy bullet point update...

Since I last posted I've...

• experienced a VERY painful infection at my drain spot
• had my drain removed after a month! thank God!
• lost the ability to straighten my left leg entirely
• developed a bad habit of keeping my weight on my right leg with my left knee bent
• worked to almost straighten my leg and reduce my limp
• freaked out doing lymphedemia research and experiencing swelling in my leg
• tried to find a suitable compression garment to aid swelling
• been more mad at God than ever before in my life
• cried and cried
• enjoyed my family in ways I never knew before
• started walking to get in shape after 4 weeks on dr ordered "leg rest"
• gained back the weight I lost between surgeries *see above 6 weeks on couch
• detoxed from 7 weeks of vicodin and percoset -that sucked, but I did it!
• turned 30
• been whisked away for a romantic weekend with my husband
• had 2 new dishwashers installed 
• wished I could wake up from my nightmare
• hated how this is affecting my kids
• hidden from people who love me 
• read a life changing article from John Piper called "Don't Waste Your Cancer"
• been overwhelmed at the information i wanted to share here
• watched WAY too much TV
• found out my lymph nodes were free of cancer other than the original one they removed
• wanted my healthy lymph nodes back
• dreaded the year of treatment that feels like it's never going to start
• made an appointment for Dec 9 with the oncologist who will plan my treatment
• hoped to start treatment the next Monday because I want it BEHIND ME!!!
• realized I'll probably miss Christmas because of this, but I just want it done
• received a ton of love from family and friends in the form of phone calls and mail. thanks.

I'm sorry this is mainly negative. I'm trying to be real. It's such an odd thing to most likely be "cancer free" yet be looking forward to a year of treatments that are going to make me sick. It feels so unfair, not just to me, but to Danny, my kids and my family. Danny and I counted last night and I've had 6 surgeries in the past 5 years. It's been a lot. 

I do not believe that this song was playing by accident as I wrote this... God is good! 

Wait and See (selected lyrics)

by Brandon Heath 

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

I'll post something more positive tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for.

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Happy Birthday Danny!

This is my husband. He's the best friend I've ever known. He loves me on my ugly (inside and out) days. He's an awesome dad. We're a great team. Danny has walked with me through more health issues than we ever could have imagined when we promised "in sickness and in health." He takes care of me, the kids, the house, and a full time job. We are blessed with family and friends who help shoulder the burden, but he does more than anyone can probably imagine.

Danny, you are one of the most selfless people I know. I am so glad you choose me to share your life. I look forward to celebrating many many more birthdays with you. I love you.

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Our new routine...

What's life like as a Melanoma patient? At the moment, it's pretty darn boring! We started a new family routine today that will carry us through my first month of interferon treatment and perhaps for awhile afterward. I'm hoping to be able take over most of the kid duty after that first intense month of treatment. At the moment the kids are going to school full days on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Danny drops them off at 9 and my Mom is picking them up at 4. Mom takes them back to her house and then Danny picks them up on his way home from work around 5:30. I predict they will be exhausted and I am going to learn new appreciation for those evening hours with them. (Or, they'll be grumpy and I'll just want to put them to bed like normal!) :) On Wednesdays through my first month of treatment, my Mom will have the kids for the day and is going to help me with some laundry and housework. My Dad is changing his work schedule so he can watch the kids on Fridays. Once I start treatment, Danny will drop me off at the cancer center (very close to work for him) in the mornings and then drive me home at lunchtime.

It's been a semi-rough day emotionally. Being a stay at home mom is SO important to me and although this is for a limited time, it's tearing out my heart to not be able to take care of the kids. Cancer has taken away a little of my identity as a mom and it's just another reason cancer sucks. My kids couldn't be in better hands. I just talked to Mom and Joey did well today, but Abby is struggling. She's been showing more anger lately. We're trying to stay consistent with discipline and grace. Both kids ask about my drain and back. Abby is a little more interested in the drain and is already asking when I can "take it off." We watched the Arthur episode about cancer with the kids last night. We haven't explained that Mom has cancer. They've probably heard me talk about it on the phone. We'll probably talk about it more specifically this week as we adjust to our new routine. Please pray for all of us as we adjust!

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Lymph node dissection

Couple updates from today...

• Although I wanted to run away and skip surgery today, the surgery went MUCH better than expected. NO med students involved today which was wonderful! I know they need to learn, but I am such an introvert, their presence is really disturbing to me. Sorry friends in med school!
• I'm on percocet and feel better than I did yesterday on Vicodin! I am for sure a percocet girl!
• My back stitches are out! I'm much less itchy and more comfortable, although that may be the percocet. :)
• The drain isn't as bad as I imagined. It is going to be hard to hide under my clothes. My left leg is going to have a noticable lump for the next few weeks! 
• My CT scan came back clean! Praise God!
• Dr Warneke showed us the original pathology and the amount of melanoma in the lymph node was 0.2mm. TINY! Dr. Warneke said he expects the nodes he removed today to be clear which gives me a 50% chance of being cured. Excellent odds for melanoma. If I'm not cured, I'm in for a fight with melanoma that reappears. I'm still going to win this battle! 

Thanks for all the prayers today. I had the BEST nurses and things went very well for a day that well... let's just say surgery is losing it's charm for this girl. I'm hopefully done for a LONG while!

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Wonderfully normal

I got the kids ready and delivered them to and from school today. It was wonderfully normal! Abby hid from me when I went to pick her up. She did NOT want to come home! This made me feel better about her going all day next week (T/TH). Joey will do great, but my baby I worried about. It will be especially nice that Joey and Abby will be together for lunch and the afternoon class. We are SO blessed with incredible teachers at their school. When I first got my diagnosis, I asked God why this couldn't have waited until the kids were both in school all day so their daily schedules wouldn't be so interrupted by my being sick. But, it's become abundantly clear that the flexibility of Light the Way and most importantly, the love their teachers have for them and our whole family is going to be such a blessing to us as we walk this road. There is NOWHERE I'd rather my kid be than with their sweet teachers if they can't be with me.

The kids are napping and I am spending naptime previewing an Aurthur I recorded to possibly show the kids. All this week, PBS is playing a special episode about cancer. Lance Armstrong "guest stars" in cartoon form in this episode. We haven't told the kids that I have cancer. Just that I had a mole that could make me sick that the doctor cut off.  We still have some decisions to make about what we are going to tell them. I'd appreciate prayer for wisdom in that and peace for our sweet kids. Abby's first words to me this morning when I woke her up and carried her to the living room were "Mommy, does your back feel better now?" So, they are definitely aware of how I'm doing. 

Tomorrow is my lymph node dissection. It will be sometime in the afternoon. The kids are staying with my parents for a couple nights. I'm off to rest and call for my report time tomorrow!

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CT scan

Today was my Dad's turn to be my chaffeur. I think by the time I'm through this "trial," I'm going to need driving lessons because I haven't driven in such a long time. Except, I'm taking the kids to school tomorrow and I guess that will be enough driving practice to make up for the last month of driving withdrawal. Anyway... my sweet Dad picked us up at noon and we took the kids to Matt and Alli's for the afternoon. Bless them for sacrificing their kids' nap time and their quiet time for me! 

After dropping off the kids, we headed to the Medical Imaging place. I was very nervous about the barium drink. I had a CT scan in May before my hysterectomy and that thick barium just barely went down. It was terrible! I was VERY pleasantly surprised when I found out the imaging facility I went to has a "fruit punch" drink instead of the thick barium. It wasn't yummy, but it was thin like water and easy to get finished quickly! I then read* and waited for my turn to have my scan. The scan was easy. I loved that they didn't make me change into a hospital gown! The tech did an awesome job getting the IV in one stick and listened to me when I recommended which arm had the best vein! The whole thing was easy and I'll hear the results tomorrow. The scan was to check and make sure the melanoma hasn't metastized into any organs or other areas of my body. I have a lot of peace about the results. Especially because the melanoma was only in one of my lymph nodes that they removed. It shouldn't have had a chance to move anywhere else! 

After my scan we went to the cancer center for a quick visit with my amazing nurse coordinator, Lindy. My incision is looking awesome, but each of the places where my stiches come through my skin are bright pink, swollen, and burn! Apparently this is normal and my incision area is healing wonderfully! She took some time to explain the drain that is going to be put in on Wednesday and what we will need to do to take care of it. 

This is a picture of what the drainage tube will be. The white part is under the skin and the bulb acts as a vacuum to gently pull out fluid and can be removed to drain it. How am I going to hide this under my clothes? Any ideas? I will keep the drain until I am having less than 30cc's of fluid drain in 24 hours. Lindy warned me that my body is NOT going to happy that I am having surgery again and I should plan on it not being an easy recovery. She also reminded me to be eating well and sleeping and recommended Ensure for days I have trouble eating. It was a good appointment and I'm glad I got to see her before my surgery on Wednesday!

We went to get the kids and they were horridly behaved because they didn't want to come home! Abby cried until she fell asleep in her carseat and Joey was quite pouty. Vegging in front of the TV, cuddles with Mom and a snack cured the grumps and we were glad to see Danny home a little early!

Tomorrow brings preschool after a week off. Hooray!!! I'll be on my own tomorrow and look forward to one last day with just the kids and me before another round of recovery!

*I started reading "Get out of that Pit" by Beth Moore today. It talks about three different types of pits people end up in. The pit I identify with right now is the one you're "thrown into" I really am excited to see what Beth has to say about how to get out of this pit that I didn't chose and feel like was thrown on me rather than me falling into it! It is important to me that I use this time to learn every lesson God has for me as much as I can instead of just coping and getting through it. I'm sure there will be days that the best I can do is get through, but my God is big enough to use even the worst days to teach me about His comfort and love.

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Reality hits

Last night I hit a wall emotionally. For a couple days I had kept thinking, "This isn't what I asked for. This isn't what I want." It probably sounds stupid, but it was the way I was processing and accepting my new reality. Last night we went to bed late and I just fell apart without any warning to poor Danny. I sobbed and raged and spilled every awful thought and fear I'd tried not to have in the past month. The emotion surprised me as much as it did Danny, I think. After going through about half a box of kleenex, I settled down enough to get to sleep around 1:30am. Poor Danny got less sleep than I did when Joey woke him up after a bad dream and wanted to cuddle. The alarm went off at 7:15 and Danny called my Mom to ask her to cancel our morning plans. She sweetly offered to take the kids and she and Danny got them ready before I even woke up. I am well cared for. I woke up and Danny was on the phone with Lindy, the nurse coordinator for melanoma patients figuring out why my stitches are driving my crazy and getting a refill of pain meds for me. 

I ended up calling Lindy later in the morning, finally ready to ask the question I've been too scared to ask. If my lymph node dissection comes back clear, will I need to do the year of interferon treatment (the equivalent treatment to chemo for melanoma?) The answer was a solid yes. It's my best chance to prevent recurrence. Once the drain comes out after my lymph node dissection, I will begin a month of high dose treatments, followed by 11 months of self administered shots. I had thought I was out of tears, but there were a few more at this confirmation. I'm so thankful the kids weren't home. THANK YOU MOM!

Now we begin making plans. For my first month of treatment, it sounds like I will need rides to and from the cancer 5 days a week and the advice I am hearing from other interferon recipients is I won't be up to taking care of the kids, so we're going to need to figure that out. We have some good beginnings for those plans and I am so thankful for the community of support we have.

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